between

i am in the depths of a cognitive dissonance … allow me to pause and catch my breath, and i will someday soon have something to say again about mamas and babies.  it ached a little to make small talk, pass cards, speak lactation in hushed aisle whisperings… i feel like i have had a fight with midwifery (last month, this month were all rising action, climax, falling action… exhausting) and we are just now speaking again, moving in ginger steps:

talking perfect labs with a mama who glows through the phone

sharing in the joyous news of two dear friends, pregnant pictures of one pound babes

the grocery store encounter with my favorite 38 week blossomed manager (i ran to the car remembering that i had a copy of henci goer in the trunk) then gave her 5 phone numbers

an unlimited phone call from my old Quail Ridge friend– Apples, said the letter in the attic i found while digging (like a sister some times),  12 weeks along

our girl on the couch at Quail Ridge, who thought it never could be after years of whys, is now 12 weeks too

a sweet and stable someone  54 days without a period… wanting the baby first of all of us, the last without… still wanting, hoping, doubting talks of chaste berry and luteal phases

i love these women, women on all sorts of paths, but i especially love the journey of women to motherhood.  i don’t have to do this job; i want to.

it feels like that first time you have a serious fight with a friend.  will you stick it out or will you walk away?  is your bond deep enough to see the negative and persevere?  I was so long in the lala love place with midwifery that the negatives were nowhere.  But there are realities from the professionalization of midwifery that bring to it additional sacrifices, divisions than the village midwife’s practice i idealize.  and then you have my own imperfections that compound the chaos!

I am easing back in, finishing at a slower pace, attempting that elusive balance.  I know that i have prenatals tomorrow, and i am excited to see those mamas… eager to know their babies and families, hear their tales, to take my delighted (but minor) role in their lives.

and a deep, slow breath.