Consciousness in birth.  I never before strung those words in exactly the way i mean them now until a few days ago in my conversation with Charlie, but now i realize how accurately that summarizes everything i’ve been walking towards on my midwifery path.  I hope that the women who find me and honor me with a window into their births will be on that conscious path too.  I still yearn for some healing in my own births, and i have a special connection to other mothers who need the same.  I like the mamas who have already had great births too!

This article, along with others on the site www.birthintobeing.com deserves reading… i don’t think i agree wholeheartedly with every element, but the core philosophy is right on.  What do you think?

*how i hope this doesn’t offend mamas who have not have conscious births… remember that mine were a wreck at times!– but i still love and provided the best i could at the time for my children.  They are not forever ruined, and it my sincere desire to help heal, not to reopen wounds of mothers who did not have perfect pregnancies or deliveries*

The Limbic Imprint
byElena Tonetti-Vladimirova

Why is it critical for us to understand the importance of healthy, happy gestation and birth? Why is it important to make every effort to eliminate the birth trauma from the delivery room? Is it affecting us? How?

Well, it does affect us, in a very big way.The new baby, way before the birth day, during it and right after, is an extremely sensitive being, in fact, more sensitive than he or she will ever be during the adult life. And not only able to have all those sensations and feelings, but also to not-cognitively remember them! Our early impressions stay with us for the rest of our lives, for better or for worse. Twenty five years of thorough research and studies in the field of prenatal psychology show undoubtedly a direct correlation between the way we were born and the subconscious behavioral and emotional patterns in our adult lives. This is due to the mechanism called “limbic imprint”.

We are very familiar with establishing the basic settings in our TVs, cameras, computers… Imagine that your TV is set on “maximum blue”, then, no mater what movie is being shown on the screen, everything will be very blue; or if brightness is set on ‘dim’ – same thing, no matter how bright is the image in the video, your screen will show a very dark picture!

That exact mechanism is at work with us, mammals. It is the same limbic imprint that is being deliberately used for thousands of years to train animals to serve people: elephants, camels, horses, circus bears. For example, a baby elephant is routinely tied in the yard on a chain to a small stick in the ground. The baby elephant rages all his might for a few days and then stops. When he grows up and has enough strength to pull this stick right out, – it doesn’t happen. He never even tries…

To better understand the term “limbic imprint,” let’s look at the basic structure of our brain. At the tip of the spinal cord there is a segment called the reptilian brain, responsible purely for the physiological functions of the body. That’s the part of the brain that still remains functional when a person is in a coma, for example, in a “vegetable” state, – the basic physiology of the body is still going on, women even keep menstruating and can continue with gestation if they are pregnant.

Then there is the cortex, usually referred to as the “gray matter,” responsible for our mental activity. That’s what we routinely call “the brain”, – the part of the brain responsible for our cognitive functions: logic, calculating, planning…

And then we have the limbic system of the brain, responsible for our emotions, sensations and feelings.

Limbic imprinting happens in that part of the brain, which is not directly connected with the cortex, responsible for cognitive memory. During gestation, birth and early childhood, the limbic system registers all of our sensations and feelings, without translating it into the language of cortex, simply because it’s not developed yet. That memory lives in the body through out the rest of our life whether we know of it or not.

We come into this world wide-open to receive love. When we do receive it, as our first primal experience, our nervous system is limbically imprinted – “programmed” with the undeniable rightness of being. Being held in the mother’s loving arms, feeding from her breast and seeing the great joy in father’s eyes, provides us with the natural sense of bliss and security; it sets the world as the right place for us to be in.

If our first impressions of being in the body are anything less than loving (painful, frightening, lonely…), then that “anything” imprints as a valid experience of love. It is immediately coded into our nervous system as a “comfort zone,” acting as a surrogate for the love and nurturing, regardless of how painful, frustrating and undesirable it actually was.

And in the future, as adults, we will unconsciously, automatically re-create the conditions that were imprinted at birth and through our early childhood.

Research done by the pioneers of prenatal psychology, such as: dr.Thomas Verny, dr. David Chamberlain, dr. William Emerson shows that an overwhelming amount of physical conditions and behavioral disorders in are the direct result of traumatic gestation time and complications during delivery, including unnecessary mechanical interventions and an overdose of anesthesia.

Also, it turns out, on top of the devastating effect of trauma during the actual birth, what happens after it,- like routine impersonal postpartum care,- is also a source of trouble: lack of immediate warm, soft and nurturing contact with the mother, premature cutting of the cord, rude handling, circumcision, needles, bright lights, startling noises… all this sensory overload becomes instantly wired into the newborn’s nervous systems as the new “comfort zone”, against all logic. As logic resides in a different part of the brain, which is not quite developed yet. So that person will continue unconsciously recreate/attract the same repeated situation of abuse and/or become abusive. Even if later on in life his or hers rational mind/cortex will recognize this as pattern of “abuse,” the imprinting had already happened in a different part of the brain, which doesn’t have the skill to stop the pattern.

According to a 1995 study by dr.William Emerson, 95% of all births in the United States are considered traumatic, 50% rated as “moderate,” and 45% as “severe” trauma. It affects all of us.

Born into excruciating labor pains or into the numbness and toxicity of anesthesia, we are limbically imprinted for suffering and numbness. Traumatic birth strips us of our power and impairs our capacity to love, trust, be intimate and experience our true potential. Addictions, pour problem-solving skills, low self-esteem, inability to be compassionate, to be responsible, – all these problems have been linked to birth trauma. For more information go to www.birthpsychology.com

Normally, a woman gives birth the way she herself was born, due to the same mechanism of limbic imprint. That’s all her body knows about “how-to” procreate. If she was born with complications, it’s most likely, that she will automatically repeat that scenario. Unless she consciously alters that limbic memory, she will unconsciously hand down her own birth trauma to her daughter, as she herself received it from her mother. Giving birth for the first time is a huge step in healing. That’s why the following deliveries are usually much easier. That, of course, is a very general observation.

Bloody and violent aspects of human history were created by people, who did not receive the nurturing, tender care they needed as babies. Dr. Stan Grof’s statistics that 100% of most violent criminals were unwanted babies speaks for itself, loud and clear. Of course, it doesn’t mean, that all unwanted babies are bound to become criminals, of course, not! Most parents manage to rise up to the challenge, fall in love with their babies after all and take good care of them. But it does mean that those unfortunate children, whose parents could not meet their needs, have much less chances of thriving.

Historically, most of the masterpieces of human culture reflect the drama of life – jealousy, greed, lust, hate, lost dreams, unrealized potential,- Shakespeare’s plays, centuries of paintings, classical music – are very beautiful ways of speaking about human despair. Only a small fraction of cultural heritage speaks of Love, Beauty and Fulfillment. Why is that?

I think it’s because the flow of creative juices is determined by how we feel and experience life. And how we experience life is greatly determined by our limbic imprint. That imprint defines our likes and dislikes, what we find beautiful, attractive and what repels us.

So, from what I understand about it, in order to give birth to an enlightened masterpiece, whether it would take a form of a human baby or a beautiful poem, or a healthy garden, or simply a rich, fulfilling day that was worth living–one must first experience being birthed in Love. And for those of us who were born long time ago into a less then ecstatic situation, we need to find ways of healing our own birth trauma that was our driving force from day one. Healthy, loving self-parenting CAN neutralize most of the damage.

There are many ways of recovery of our sense of wellbeing, and I am offering one of them in my birthshops. I will talk about it later in the book.

Healing of one’s birth trauma allows one to enjoy the delicious, juicy experience of comfortably owning a body, being fully engaged in life, and loving it. I think, enjoyment of life is the most practical and secure form of living. Anything other than the deep sense of wellbeing is very expensive, confusing and energy consuming,- we are capable of spending a lot of resources trying to make up for not feeling right inside of our bodies.

What started for me in 1982 as work with the Russian Waterbirth Pioneer, Igor Charkovsky, as a search for ways of eliminating birth trauma for the babies, grew into a deep and beautiful healing experience for me personally. If you want to meet me in my deep commitment to a greater happiness, I’m willing to share with you what I have learned.

We can make an effort to heal our own birth trauma and embrace the opportunity of creating a masterpiece of our lives. We can recognize that however rude our beginning was, we do have a choice as adults to change our basic settings, to reprogram our limbic imprint and transmute our suffering and helplessness during birth into the love and joy of being born on this planet. We can regain our authentic power, clear the pain of our ancestors from our system, and set the stage for our children to step into their lives as peaceful, empowered guardians of Earth. I invite you to envision the possibilities that would open up for humankind if women fully claimed their original capacity that all mammals have – to give birth and raise our young without trauma.

Call me naïve, but I truly believe that we can improve the quality of our species in just one generation by allowing our kind to enter into this world without being ‘programmed’ on suffering and pain. I envision the new generation coming into the world of safety, compassion and common sense. Please, join me in this vision.

I see Conscious Procreation as a portal to recovery of our species. In this book I’m explaining, how and why… It’s a big philosophical issue – the habitual programming of humans on pain as a norm. That’s why I’m writing this book The “programming” is happening one way or the other, whether we are aware of it or not. It’s just the way our bodies work, whether we like it or not. So, I want to share my observations of what works for the positive outcome.

As Einstein said: “We can not solve a problem with the same mindset that created that problem in the first place”. We, the people, have 250 wars going on right now around the globe. We created life-threatening levels of environmental pollution, political systems that don’t work, economies that are not capable of sustaining us and social strategies that ignore us. We are, clearly, due for some changes. If we truly understand how we created this mess, we have a good chance to un-create it.

Social revolutions and political measures are not going to work, because they are designed by people driven by their own birth trauma and geared for covering up of our collective unconscious pain and terror of life (just look at what our planetary governments are doing…) It’s impossible to have a deep sense of wellbeing if there was never a reference point of what it is supposed to feel like. First things first: we need to create that reference point within ourselves. Then we can come up with solutions to our dilemmas that are based on solid ground, not just hectic knee-jerk reactions.

We can not thrive as a species, unless we create a new generation of our kind that was not damaged in utero by the high level of stress hormones in mother’s blood stream. As I say: “It’s much easier to make good new people then try to fix the old ones”.

If their basic settings will not be on “anxiety”, “pain”, “fear”, but will be, instead, set on ‘high’: “love”, “safety”, “deep connectedness”,- then we, the people, will truly have a chance.

Yesterday I met with a fascinating midwife: Charlie Lose-Frahn.  We spent the day discussing experiences, philosophy, protocols of practice, and our personal birth histories.  She answered many of my questions and concerns about my future path within midwifery.  I have heard her called kooky, “interesting” (in that certain tone), a nutrition nazi, a postpartum queen, and as out there as it gets.  I found her to be a completely grounded woman– a midwife in the truest sense.  She has a core trust in birth that has not been muddled by fear.  I hope to attend a birth with her in the near future!

Her two most important requirements in prenatal care screening are nutrition and consciousness.  She asks for diet tracking between she and her client until they are certain that optimal nutrition is understood and maintained.  The consciousness component involves working through previous birth experiences (when mama was the babe and when she has been the mama too), delving into relationship dynamics and communication, and expanding the couple’s awareness of the world they create around them.  All of this is to facilitate an optimal prenatal period, birth, and ultimately the family life as a whole.  At the core of consciousness work is connecting with the unborn baby every day by setting aside at least fifteen minutes (total) to speak to– this part is key– ALOUD!, touch, soothe, sing, read, bond with the growing babe.  All of this bathes the baby in oxytocin from mama– sending messages that clearly communicate the world the baby will expect when he makes his entrance.  Charlie asks that dads do this as well.  Of course, there are times when mama is stressed, and she recommends that at those times mom works to explain and soothe the baby through it, just as she would if the baby were outside her womb.  Ultimately, consciousness of the unborn means treating a baby with the same warmth, compassion, reality, love, communication that you will once he or she is born.  It is a great way to increase awareness of your body as the baby’s ecosystem as well– to learn, hear what you and your baby need to feel healthy and safe.

I want to encourage this practice to my clients and any pregnant mamas.  It has sound medical grounds (from ultrasound research, hormonal reactions, etc.) and respect in the psychology field.  I do not prescribe to the notion of communicating with the preconceived, but I certainly believe there is much talking that can and should go on between a babe and mama before the moment of birth.

Check out this link: The Womb– Your Child’s First School

I look forward to my connections with the babes whose mamas I work with.  It is an honor to know and love those pure little souls.  I dearly love the mamas too!  My favorite part of prenatals is the assessment of position– the hands-on belly rub connects me to mama and baby at the same time; a salutation of a more visceral sort… a way to check in and play.  It makes it even more exciting when the birth day arrives!  It is someone you already know and finally can fully see… and at the same time the opportunity to be of service to a mother who you have grown with as she walks on her powerful path to motherhood.

i have a virtual (meaning online– no real life contact) crush on pamela hines-powell.  i have explored her blog, website, and insightful comments on other birth blogs for many months.  she has graciously responded to my green-apprentice questions through messages and patiently offered information.  i discovered the following article on midwifery today’s archives and remembered reading it years ago and being amazed at those thoughts… so new to me then, so exciting now to have a chance to glean some of her wisdom, even if only through silly facebook.  i hope that she and midwifery today don’t mind the repost, but i want to share this wonderful piece.  i will someday include it in my client handouts.

Honoring Body Wisdom

by Pamela Hines-Powell

© 2005 Midwifery Today, Inc. All rights reserved.

<!–[Editor's note: This is an excerpt of an article which appears in Midwifery Today Issue 74, Summer 2005. View other great articles and columns in the table of contents. To read the rest of this article, order your copy of Midwifery Today Issue 74.]
Photo provided by the author

–>[Editor's note: This article first appeared in Midwifery Today Issue 74, Summer 2005.]
Photo provided by the author

photo by Alicia Elliott www.liquidflight.com/

After some discussion with my highly intuitive, wise mama friends about birth this afternoon, I brought out the Midwifery Today issue on tear prevention. (Number 65, Spring 2003)

Sara Wickham, a UK midwife who has mentored me through her writings about birth, asks the question: Who or what are we protecting the perineum from?

Good question. Are we really so sure that we prevent tears? During my midwifery education, I was taught that there are a variety of “techniques” and “remedies” that midwives should use to prevent tearing: “small” episiotomies, prenatal perineal massage, hot compresses with herbs during pushing, warm oil, creative hand maneuvers, four-handed catches, counterpressure on the occiput, slow delivery of the head, etc.

What is the idea behind “saving” the perineum? How many times have we heard midwives boast “over an intact perineum” as if they were the determining factor in whether or not a woman tore?

Over the past few years in my practice, I have begun to have a different take on this issue: that there are very few things I personally can do to really prevent tearing in a client, but there are a whole host of situations and instances where I could actually create an environment for perineal tearing.

Here are a few reasons why I believe this to be true:

Tissue Integrity

As midwives, we know that every woman has different tissue and skin integrity. This is evidenced by the color of our skin and the amount of stretch marks on our bodies. Supplements like vitamin C and omega fatty acids will help strengthen this integrity, but it’s unknown if they make a measurable difference. We’ve all heard the theories about genetics, smoking, proper nutrition, etc., in regard to tissue integrity and pliability.

During a normal, spontaneous labor, free of judgment or negative observation, vaginal tissues respond to hormones by increasing secretions, blood flow and sensation. As the baby moves down, the vagina is more relaxed and open. If a woman feels inhibited or pressured, an interference is created in these hormones and the risk of perineal trauma is increased.

Hydration in labor is vitally important, as we are all aware. However, over-hydration, e.g., IV fluids, can swell the tissues to a point where there is very little give or elasticity.

Positions during Pushing

While we may look at the semi-sit or semi-reclining position as much more “progressive” for pushing than lying flat on the back, think about this:

In a semi-sit or semi-reclining position, a tremendous amount of weight is on the sacrum, which decreases the diameter of the pelvic outlet. More force is necessary, in this position, to move the baby under the pubic bone. This increase in force puts more pressure on the baby and the mother and often slows down the normal uterine expulsion efforts with contractions. Because the mother has to push so much harder, she is often unaware of the messages her body sends to slow down and allow the tissues to stretch around the baby’s head each step of the way.

When a woman is on her back with her legs pulled back towards her shoulders (McRoberts), her sacrum is rounded up and there is no weight on the tailbone. It can move easily to accommodate the baby’s head. The problem with this position overall is the lack of gravity to assist in the birth.

Being upright (standing, supported squat, kneeling, hands & knees, and bending over standing) is the natural, body-led stance for birth. The sacrum bulges out as the head descends; gravity is helping her, and the uterus is perfectly aligned with the pelvis to bring the baby down. If the mother is standing, she will often lean forward as the head emerges. If she is on hands and knees, she may rise to being upright on her knees with the crowning of the head. This intuitive alignment of her body with the baby’s body is amazing to watch.

Birth activists talk a lot about upright delivery, but very few people—even homebirth midwives—see it happen much. Why is this? Could it be that women are just so used to seeing births happen in beds that they assume the culturally conditioned posture in bed? Are we, as midwives, encouraging women to be on the bed, to semi-sit or semi-recline because it’s easier for us? So we are better able to see “progress” and “save” the woman’s perineum by “delivering” the baby? Do we assume that if the mother births upright—and not lying down, with our hands to help slow the birth—that the baby will “blast out” and cause horrible damage to her perineum and pelvic floor? Is this assumption really accurate? Does our role in this process perpetuate this belief system?

The birthing woman is highly susceptible to suggestion—even if very subtle. For instance, a midwife lays a chux pad on the bed. The message received is “sit here”—many women will follow the placement of the chux and reside wherever it is placed, even if there is no spoken direction by the provider. However, left to her own devices, a woman will rarely lie down to push her baby out.

As midwives, are we finding ways to support women’s instinctive behaviors or do we undermine their instincts by directing them? It is important that we honestly think about our intentions during labor, but especially with second stage assistance. Are we genuinely trying to help a woman who wants or needs assistance or are we hoping to facilitate the birth more quickly for our own convenience and comfort?

The Timeline of Pushing

When a woman is at 8 or 9 centimeters, I have observed that there are small grunts of pushes at the peak of contractions. These small pushes appear to be totally involuntary—in fact, women do not realize they are doing it at all. From what I have seen, it seems that this actually helps with the last couple of centimeters of dilation.

In my opinion, one of the most disruptive things a provider can do at this point is to ask, “Were you pushing? Did you feel pushy? Wait—don’t push…let me check you first to see if you’re ready….” Of course she’s not ready—she’s not doing that full-baby-on-the-pelvic-floor type pushing. She’s got a couple of centimeters to go, but she’s close. So, the provider will tell her that NO, she’s NOT ready and DON’T push, not yet.

The effect of this is that she’s now in her head about her labor, no longer trusting her body. Body=wrong. Midwife’s fingers=right. She continues to look to the provider for direction now. Nothing she feels or knows is true. The birth no longer belongs to the mother and the wisdom of her body.

Then again, if she is ten centimeters, there’s movement to get her to pushing, and sometimes cheerleading for pushing: having her hold her breath, then “quick! another breath quickly, now push, push, push push PUSH PUSH PUSH!!!” to counts of ten, whether or not the mother actually feels the urge to push. The “clock of progress” for second stage has started.

It’s okay for mothers to wait—to sleep, to rest, to take a shower, to eat while waiting for a true urge to push. She can let her uterus do the hard work of bringing the baby down until the overwhelming, spontaneous urges begin.

By forcing a woman to push just because she’s ten centimeters—or even take her out of her labor space by doing dilation checks to “see if she’s complete,” we’ve created a situation in which the woman needs the input and direction from others in order to birth her baby. Forced pushing leads to maternal exhaustion and more direction, typically, by the provider. In addition to not being in tune with her body’s messages, there are often more vaginal exams during this time, which interferes with the natural response to second stage.

Fingers in the Vagina

Did you know that your vagina has a built-in protective mechanism? We experience it when we are getting a pelvic exam—fingers placed right outside the vagina or right inside the vagina will result in a contraction of the vaginal muscles. This response to such touch is normal and positive. Yet women are often told to “just relax” at this point, as if it’s completely voluntary.

We may love the midwife or doctor who is performing the exam. This person may be a classmate, friend or trusted provider. It doesn’t matter—their fingers are not our fingers. They are not the fingers of our lover. Our bodies are so wise that they will offer some resistance for touch that is not sensual or our own. A woman who is pushing out a baby will experience that same reaction when someone’s fingers are placed on or in her vagina. The tension of these muscles will be counterproductive to the loosening and opening of the pelvic floor to birth her baby.

What happens when we, as midwives, put our fingers inside the vagina as the baby is trying to emerge? Could it be hard for women to concentrate on pushing something out of their bodies when we’re putting things in? Are we really helping women by dragging down on the perineum? By “pushing” tissue away as the head descends? Is the woman’s vagina instinctively trying to protect her during all this? How does it feel to the mother? Can we expect the body to respond naturally with the desired “fetal ejection reflex” and associated hormones when this is occurring?

When women place their own hands on their vagina during birth, they explore. They touch all the folds, gently inserting a finger to see if they can feel that hard little head that they’re working on bringing down. With every push, they may experience the “two steps forward, one step back” motion as the baby comes down. Then when it’s getting ready to emerge under the pubic bone, women will instinctively put their hands down there, feeling as if the head is “right there.”

The father’s hands, as well as the mother’s, should be encouraged to touch the baby as it is emerging. A father does not need to know anything except not to push or pull on the baby; he can just wait for the baby to slip into his hands. The same could be said for midwives, as well! The maneuvering of the head and body as the baby emerges is not necessary in normal birth. Fathers are skilled at catching their own babies—rather than just catching the bottom and legs after the midwife has “delivered” the head and upper torso.

When the baby crowns, it is helpful for the mother to have her hands on herself (which she will do instinctively if she is unselfconscious and focused on the birth and is not waiting for the midwife to give her directions). She will gently push her perineal tissues around, knowing how much is too much pressure, feeling how each of her pushes brings her baby closer to her arms. She may instinctively apply counterpressure up by her clitoris—usually with counterpressure at the occiput. The “ring of fire” is often felt with a sharp intake of breath. Numbing this sensation negates the natural response women have at this point—to not push while their tissues gently hug, stretch, and yes, sometimes give, around the baby’s head. (The sharp intake of breath and sudden surprise at the sensations often stops pushing for many women.)

These ideas and observations have created a huge shift in my intention around birth. I began midwifery with my own personal account of perineal trauma (third-degree episiotomy leading to perineal reconstruction at 16 months postpartum), so I felt compelled to do anything to protect women from the same experience and pain. Over the years, I have begun to realize that it’s what I don’t do that helps to facilitate normal labor and birth—including perineal protection.

I lovingly offer some of these ideas and points as food for thought. These thoughts have come from observing women birth without direction, lessons from the women who have birthed unassisted (thank you so much for being my real teachers!!) and the logic of anatomy and physiology—as well as the sacred wisdom of our bodies and babies.

Pamela Hines-Powell, CPM, LDM, resides in Salem, Oregon with her eleven-year-old daughter and husband. She is passionate about empowering women as mothers through empowering herself as a midwife. Her web site is www.midwifemama.com.

dr. james mckenna on npr… talking about cosleeping and the controversial new cdc study.

my favorite part is when he talks about his love of sleeping with his son… not that bemoaning, “how do ya get them outta the bed?” you so often hear from the shamed cosleepers.  i have always felt the same, and thankfully my husband does too.

when i leave a family just after birth and see baby snuggled between mom and dad there is a feeling of certainty, rightness… biological normalcy beyond the typical constraints of culture that will all too soon be imposed on our tiny children.

Serendipity is the effect by which one accidentally discovers something fortunate, especially while looking for something else entirely.

I had some moments between appointments while in Greenville last Thursday.  Whenever i find myself  in that area i call Mollie, hoping to  see and talk, laugh lots.  I found her at the park with her sweet babes.  During our brief visit I noticed her incredible shoes… indigo colored danskos, red top-stitching.  We talked about how hard it is to find anything other than the clogs in stores (her mom found them online for her), and i whined (just a little) that until i am practicing or Sean finishes school, there will be no new shoes. My brown flats (worn that day) had the beginnings of a hole in the sole… their $8 target value nearly gone.

Two days later the girls, sean, and I ate at Monterey’s in Clemson… where we have been only one other time (our favorite Mexican restaurant it is not).  The girls begged to go into the Salvation Army next door when we finished.  Sean and I agreed… we found a tiny toy for each girl, a pair of safety glasses for sean, a scooby-doo alarm clock (is it for sean or the girls?), and we were getting into line when i decided to do a quick clothes walk through and escape the shrieks of my flan-filled children.

Sean was clearly not aware of the serendipitous nature of the finding… how i had wanted them so but refused to even look for them online since they were out of my reach.  The incredible price difference fell unnoticed on him; of course i had to call Mollie and share my delight– she was equally excited, “Congratulations!! Oh wow!!” and i knew she truly understood the absurd wonder of that moment.

Just shoes and a fortunate accident… but how fun!! i was so thrilled i even wore them when i took a nap.

My identity was so easy, in that Erikson way; I did not have a particularly lengthy crisis or wandering once I became pregnant for the first time.  My true face took shape in the task of motherhood… of course i still loved Gertrude Stein, fancy beer, Radiohead, and ridiculous fine dining, but i sold the ’55 chevy, researched car seats and obsessed about organics, never looking back, feeling real.  I became a breastfeeding guru among my friends… slowly making way into a listening ear and suggestion giver for toddler discipline.  I read, read, read to make myself into the uber-mother.  The mother i needed.  My second pregnancy came along at just the time to never skip a beat… I began again in ernest.  Traveling into the depths of parenting without punishment, tandem nursing, homeschooling plans, and herbal medicine making.

When did i take a turn into midwifery i often wonder… was it because i slowly realized i took calls from people with babies, some of whom i had never met, to come into their homes and help them nurse their babies?  or perhaps when i took a  random call about cytotec for induction, or when my mom started asking for my help in clearing up a UTI.  It began so slowly… my logic saying, “you read all of these books anyway.  textbooks on women’s health for fun.  why not let them count towards something?”  then it picked up pace with an apprenticeship literally falling in my lap.  with each birth it has twisted me so slowly into a richer, dynamic identity.  i am a mother.  i am a midwife.  i am many things.

Even my identity as a midwife is emerging and changing… never stagnate.  I am accepting the rare necessity of my presence (but the honor of being invited), questioning the wisdom of traditions, and embracing my weaknesses and womens’ strengths.  I have been humbled by the ecstasy of catching a baby and the unspeakable feeling of miracles.  It is impossible to feel anything less than passion for my life now.

interests, excitement

pelvic types; the Midwifery Today article about non-intrusive (eyes only) pelvimetry

unassisted birth, freebirth

newborn awareness, physiology

sacredness of mother space

grain grinding; kefir… but not together

educational philosophy stretching… attempting to be not-all-or-nothing…

sarah, sally, julie– the friend part being more important than giving care on paper

joyous parenting of my children

finding the original version of boys for pele (tori amos) without that awful tornado version of talula

knowing that in 3 short weeks i will buy a bundle of midwifery supplies

hearing an emerging songwriter in tallulah

bummers

nihilistic conversations

smelling cigarettes

shonda parker’s books *margins cluttered with my arguments*

transports

feeling misunderstood, argumentative with other birthy folks

fleas

i am en route… it is happening.  think sweet thoughts of my wee ones that i left behind… call them; it would make their day.  i will try to blog or email as possible in azua, once we arrive there tomorrow.  we stay in santo domingo tonight, drive to azua tomorrow, and begin work in the hospital on monday.  the group seems so positive that we are delighted to join them and be of service and to learn.  all went smoothly with our trunks of donations, and we should arrive in the next four hours…

i am so! excited! *in a little voice* and scared.