the thinking here

My identity was so easy, in that Erikson way; I did not have a particularly lengthy crisis or wandering once I became pregnant for the first time.  My true face took shape in the task of motherhood… of course i still loved Gertrude Stein, fancy beer, Radiohead, and ridiculous fine dining, but i sold the ’55 chevy, researched car seats and obsessed about organics, never looking back, feeling real.  I became a breastfeeding guru among my friends… slowly making way into a listening ear and suggestion giver for toddler discipline.  I read, read, read to make myself into the uber-mother.  The mother i needed.  My second pregnancy came along at just the time to never skip a beat… I began again in ernest.  Traveling into the depths of parenting without punishment, tandem nursing, homeschooling plans, and herbal medicine making.

When did i take a turn into midwifery i often wonder… was it because i slowly realized i took calls from people with babies, some of whom i had never met, to come into their homes and help them nurse their babies?  or perhaps when i took a  random call about cytotec for induction, or when my mom started asking for my help in clearing up a UTI.  It began so slowly… my logic saying, “you read all of these books anyway.  textbooks on women’s health for fun.  why not let them count towards something?”  then it picked up pace with an apprenticeship literally falling in my lap.  with each birth it has twisted me so slowly into a richer, dynamic identity.  i am a mother.  i am a midwife.  i am many things.

Even my identity as a midwife is emerging and changing… never stagnate.  I am accepting the rare necessity of my presence (but the honor of being invited), questioning the wisdom of traditions, and embracing my weaknesses and womens’ strengths.  I have been humbled by the ecstasy of catching a baby and the unspeakable feeling of miracles.  It is impossible to feel anything less than passion for my life now.

interests, excitement

pelvic types; the Midwifery Today article about non-intrusive (eyes only) pelvimetry

unassisted birth, freebirth

newborn awareness, physiology

sacredness of mother space

grain grinding; kefir… but not together

educational philosophy stretching… attempting to be not-all-or-nothing…

sarah, sally, julie– the friend part being more important than giving care on paper

joyous parenting of my children

finding the original version of boys for pele (tori amos) without that awful tornado version of talula

knowing that in 3 short weeks i will buy a bundle of midwifery supplies

hearing an emerging songwriter in tallulah

bummers

nihilistic conversations

smelling cigarettes

shonda parker’s books *margins cluttered with my arguments*

transports

feeling misunderstood, argumentative with other birthy folks

fleas

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